3 Minutes Inside the Head of My 2 Year Old

I just laughed so hard I almost peed my pants reading this by Jason Good.

Day 215: Approximately 3 Minutes Inside The Head of My 2 Year Old

AUGUST 7, 2011

Each of these “emotions” lasts about 3 seconds.

1. I wanna play with Daddy’s phone.
2. I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
3. GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
4. I wanna open and close the thermostat.
5. I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
6. Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
7. I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.
8. I wanna pick up the cat by its head.
9. I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
10. HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.
11. CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
12. I HATE FRUIT.
13. I want out of my chair.
14. I wanna play with the iPad.
15. I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
16. I wanna take my pants off.
17. I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
18. I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
19. I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
20. I’m thirsty.
21. No, not for that.
22. Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
23. Where’s Daddy?
24. Where’s the cat?
25. Where’s Mommy?
26. SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
27. Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
28. Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone.
29. Hungry again. Never mind.
30. I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
31. STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
32. Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
33. Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
34. WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
35. Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
36. I’m tired.
37. I’M NOT TIRED!
38. I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
39. No, not inside either!
40. I need to push some buttons right now.
41. I hate this diaper.
42. My eyes itch.
43. WOW! Is this my toe?
44. STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
45. I hate these pants.
46. This shirt itches.
47. I’m tired.
48. Stop asking me if I’m tired.
49. Where’s that toy that goes beep?
50. I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
51. Put on my favorite song.
52. Where’s the cat?
53. What is UP with my shirt?
54. Did I just hear a dog bark?
55. YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
56. I wanna see a dog.
57. No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
58. Is my penis still there? Good.
59. I peed.
60. I’m bored.

Repeat.